?

Anger, Hurt, Pain, Depression, Hatred, Fury, Revenge, Sad, Fear, Terror, Sleep Deprived, Chaotic, Complicated, Confusing, Outraged, Mad, Irritated, Bitter, Despair, Troubled, Brokenhearted, Afraid, Agitated, Disturbed, Anxious, Panicky, Scared, Aprehensive, Worried, Hesitent, Blue, Destroyed, Fed Up, Let Down, Unhappy, Disorgnized, Disoriented, Distracted, Spiritless

Proverbs 1:20-33

Ok, finally part 2 of Proverbs chapter 1.

Proverbs 1:20-33 (New International Version)

Warning Against Rejecting Wisdom
20 Wisdom calls aloud in the street,
she raises her voice in the public squares;
21 at the head of the noisy streets [a] she cries out,
in the gateways of the city she makes her speech:

So I didn't know what a gateway was and had to do a little research to find out. A gateway was where the leaders of the city met to hold court and where the marketplace was located.

22 "How long will you simple ones [b] love your simple ways?
How long will mockers delight in mockery
and fools hate knowledge?

23 If you had responded to my rebuke,
I would have poured out my heart to you
and made my thoughts known to you.

I kind of reworded this verse for myself after doing some research on the word poured. The word "poured" in this instance was used to describe God's actions as a fountain. My bible says "poured like a fountain, constant & continuous" So I reworded the verse for me to say, "If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you like a fountain and made my thoughts constantly and continuously known to you" But the key word in that verse is "if" "if we had responded". Can you imagine how much of Gods word we have missed out on because we didn't respond to Him?

24 But since you rejected me when I called
and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand,

25 since you ignored all my advice
and would not accept my rebuke,

My bible referenced these two verses back to Isaiah 1:4 and 5:24 when God was rejected by Israel, and Matthew 23:37 when Jesus was rejected by the people of Jerusalem.

26 I in turn will laugh at your disaster;
I will mock when calamity overtakes you-

27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,
when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind,
when distress and trouble overwhelm you.

28 "Then they will call to me but I will not answer;
they will look for me but will not find me.

Pretty self explanatory but can I just interject here and say knife in the heart!

29 Since they hated knowledge
and did not choose to fear the LORD,

30 since they would not accept my advice
and spurned my rebuke,

31 they will eat the fruit of their ways
and be filled with the fruit of their schemes.

Basically we reap what we sow, we pay the consequences of our actions. Again, knife in the heart!

32 For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them;

33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety
and be at ease, without fear of harm."



So there it is for Proverbs 1.

3AM thoughts

Deep, soulless eyes,empty while filled with pain,
Sharp spikes of lightining piercing through the pouring rain;
Lying on my bed in the middle of the night,
trying vainly to sleep as i swallow down my fright;
I dont understand why i'm so filled with fear,
even though i know that he's nowhere near;
I cant bear this pain i feel,
it so overwhelming its surreal;
Feeling the tears pouring down my cheeks,
hating myself for being so damn weak;
i wish i could share the secret i keep,
but the lump in my throat wont let me speak;
My heart is brimming with dispair,
and its like i dont even care;
Life is a prison in which im forced to dwell,
or maybe i'm dead and this is really hell.

Proverbs 1:1-19

So we just started working through proverbs in our girls bible study and we are doing one proverb a week for the next 31 weeks! Yeah I know that's a long time!! But proverbs has so much great stuff in it. After reading the first chapter, I just wanted to keep going. But I know I need to sit with this chapter more and pick it apart. So an overview of the chapter is basically all about wisdom. Doing a little research in my bible, I find that the word wisdom appears 41 times in the book of proverbs! This chapter is written from a father to a son/teacher to a student, the father being seen as the teacher and the son the student. So here's the chapter:

Proverbs 1:1-19 (NIV)
Prologue: Purpose and Theme
1 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:
2 for attaining wisdom and discipline;
for understanding words of insight;

3 for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life,
doing what is right and just and fair;

4 for giving prudence to the simple,
knowledge and discretion to the young-

5 let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance-

6 for understanding proverbs and parables,
the sayings and riddles of the wise.

7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools [a] despise wisdom and discipline.

Exhortations to Embrace Wisdom
Warning Against Enticement
8 Listen, my son, to your father's instruction
and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
9 They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.

10 My son, if sinners entice you,
do not give in to them.

11 If they say, "Come along with us;
let's lie in wait for someone's blood,
let's waylay some harmless soul;

12 let's swallow them alive, like the grave, [b]
and whole, like those who go down to the pit;

13 we will get all sorts of valuable things
and fill our houses with plunder;

14 throw in your lot with us,
and we will share a common purse"-

15 my son, do not go along with them,
do not set foot on their paths;

16 for their feet rush into sin,
they are swift to shed blood.

17 How useless to spread a net
in full view of all the birds!

18 These men lie in wait for their own blood;
they waylay only themselves!

19 Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain;
it takes away the lives of those who get it.


The impression I'm getting initially is that for those who listen to their parents will gain respect in their lives. (vs 8-9) The father/teacher urges the son/student not to fall for the tricks that the sinners may play on him. He gives an example of the sinners waiting in hiding for an innocent person only to attack them (kill them? not sure yet, needs a little momre research...) and steal their valuables. He tells the son not to follow their path because they unknowingly only trap themselves in the long term outcome. (vs 11-19)

That's all for tonight... I've run out of energy... part 2 to come tomorrow!

Ready to Run

So I recently found out that the man that raped me is getting out of jail after only serving 9 months. The emotions that I thought were finally gone have rushed right back. I am once again daily dealing with the same battles that I dealt with before. I discovered several things tonight while sitting in bible study. #1, I realized how easy it was to turn back to my eating disorder. Not even intentionally, it's just a habit. I did it for so long that I don't even have to think about it, it just happens. So while sitting in bible study talking with the other girls, I realized it was after 8pm and I hadn't eaten yet at all today. Once I realized that, I ate as soon as I came home. Believe me, I've seen the damage that an ED causes and I don't want to go down that path again. #2, I realized that I'm still angry. I'm so angry and bitter right now. I want my revenge, my justice for what he put me through. He doesn't deserve to have a life outside of those walls. He's kept me inside a dark and lonely place for 3 years now and I'll never get out of this room if he gets out of prison. It's not fair. I'm trying to remember that it's up to God to have His revenge and justice not me. That's so hard though. And lastly #3, I realized that I want to run. Everything in me is screaming "RUN!!!" I AM running. I have a trip planned this weekend, using the excuse to go visit a friend that's away at medical school and to take a weekend off of work (I get one weekend off per quarter, so 4 weekends a year). But God really spoke to me tonight and told me to quit running, to give it to Him and let Him handle it. I don't know why that's so hard.

Frozen in Time

Frozen in a time
and place that was almost forgotten
Thought the pain was gone
'til yesterday
Don't know where to go
don't know what to do
Somehow...someway
this crazy world will make sense
Memories
haunt my memory and soul
Yet I strive to move on
Where do I go
counseling only helps in the moment
Frozen in this picture
wanting...needing to escape
This pain just keeps echoing
across time and space
Frozen in this moment
in this picture for what seems like eternity
Frozen

What the Eating Disorder Struggle is really like

So this is an amazing friend of mine that really helped me through the rough spots of my eating disorder and is the one who finally convinced me to see a therapist to work on my issues. Barbara is an amazing motivational speaker and this is a video of her struggle, which is much like my own, and she puts it into way better words than I ever could at this point. Ok enough of me, just watch the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apO9IxmqfpQ