?

Anger, Hurt, Pain, Depression, Hatred, Fury, Revenge, Sad, Fear, Terror, Sleep Deprived, Chaotic, Complicated, Confusing, Outraged, Mad, Irritated, Bitter, Despair, Troubled, Brokenhearted, Afraid, Agitated, Disturbed, Anxious, Panicky, Scared, Aprehensive, Worried, Hesitent, Blue, Destroyed, Fed Up, Let Down, Unhappy, Disorgnized, Disoriented, Distracted, Spiritless

Proverbs 1:20-33

Ok, finally part 2 of Proverbs chapter 1.

Proverbs 1:20-33 (New International Version)

Warning Against Rejecting Wisdom
20 Wisdom calls aloud in the street,
she raises her voice in the public squares;
21 at the head of the noisy streets [a] she cries out,
in the gateways of the city she makes her speech:

So I didn't know what a gateway was and had to do a little research to find out. A gateway was where the leaders of the city met to hold court and where the marketplace was located.

22 "How long will you simple ones [b] love your simple ways?
How long will mockers delight in mockery
and fools hate knowledge?

23 If you had responded to my rebuke,
I would have poured out my heart to you
and made my thoughts known to you.

I kind of reworded this verse for myself after doing some research on the word poured. The word "poured" in this instance was used to describe God's actions as a fountain. My bible says "poured like a fountain, constant & continuous" So I reworded the verse for me to say, "If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you like a fountain and made my thoughts constantly and continuously known to you" But the key word in that verse is "if" "if we had responded". Can you imagine how much of Gods word we have missed out on because we didn't respond to Him?

24 But since you rejected me when I called
and no one gave heed when I stretched out my hand,

25 since you ignored all my advice
and would not accept my rebuke,

My bible referenced these two verses back to Isaiah 1:4 and 5:24 when God was rejected by Israel, and Matthew 23:37 when Jesus was rejected by the people of Jerusalem.

26 I in turn will laugh at your disaster;
I will mock when calamity overtakes you-

27 when calamity overtakes you like a storm,
when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind,
when distress and trouble overwhelm you.

28 "Then they will call to me but I will not answer;
they will look for me but will not find me.

Pretty self explanatory but can I just interject here and say knife in the heart!

29 Since they hated knowledge
and did not choose to fear the LORD,

30 since they would not accept my advice
and spurned my rebuke,

31 they will eat the fruit of their ways
and be filled with the fruit of their schemes.

Basically we reap what we sow, we pay the consequences of our actions. Again, knife in the heart!

32 For the waywardness of the simple will kill them,
and the complacency of fools will destroy them;

33 but whoever listens to me will live in safety
and be at ease, without fear of harm."



So there it is for Proverbs 1.

3AM thoughts

Deep, soulless eyes,empty while filled with pain,
Sharp spikes of lightining piercing through the pouring rain;
Lying on my bed in the middle of the night,
trying vainly to sleep as i swallow down my fright;
I dont understand why i'm so filled with fear,
even though i know that he's nowhere near;
I cant bear this pain i feel,
it so overwhelming its surreal;
Feeling the tears pouring down my cheeks,
hating myself for being so damn weak;
i wish i could share the secret i keep,
but the lump in my throat wont let me speak;
My heart is brimming with dispair,
and its like i dont even care;
Life is a prison in which im forced to dwell,
or maybe i'm dead and this is really hell.

Proverbs 1:1-19

So we just started working through proverbs in our girls bible study and we are doing one proverb a week for the next 31 weeks! Yeah I know that's a long time!! But proverbs has so much great stuff in it. After reading the first chapter, I just wanted to keep going. But I know I need to sit with this chapter more and pick it apart. So an overview of the chapter is basically all about wisdom. Doing a little research in my bible, I find that the word wisdom appears 41 times in the book of proverbs! This chapter is written from a father to a son/teacher to a student, the father being seen as the teacher and the son the student. So here's the chapter:

Proverbs 1:1-19 (NIV)
Prologue: Purpose and Theme
1 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:
2 for attaining wisdom and discipline;
for understanding words of insight;

3 for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life,
doing what is right and just and fair;

4 for giving prudence to the simple,
knowledge and discretion to the young-

5 let the wise listen and add to their learning,
and let the discerning get guidance-

6 for understanding proverbs and parables,
the sayings and riddles of the wise.

7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools [a] despise wisdom and discipline.

Exhortations to Embrace Wisdom
Warning Against Enticement
8 Listen, my son, to your father's instruction
and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
9 They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck.

10 My son, if sinners entice you,
do not give in to them.

11 If they say, "Come along with us;
let's lie in wait for someone's blood,
let's waylay some harmless soul;

12 let's swallow them alive, like the grave, [b]
and whole, like those who go down to the pit;

13 we will get all sorts of valuable things
and fill our houses with plunder;

14 throw in your lot with us,
and we will share a common purse"-

15 my son, do not go along with them,
do not set foot on their paths;

16 for their feet rush into sin,
they are swift to shed blood.

17 How useless to spread a net
in full view of all the birds!

18 These men lie in wait for their own blood;
they waylay only themselves!

19 Such is the end of all who go after ill-gotten gain;
it takes away the lives of those who get it.


The impression I'm getting initially is that for those who listen to their parents will gain respect in their lives. (vs 8-9) The father/teacher urges the son/student not to fall for the tricks that the sinners may play on him. He gives an example of the sinners waiting in hiding for an innocent person only to attack them (kill them? not sure yet, needs a little momre research...) and steal their valuables. He tells the son not to follow their path because they unknowingly only trap themselves in the long term outcome. (vs 11-19)

That's all for tonight... I've run out of energy... part 2 to come tomorrow!

Ready to Run

So I recently found out that the man that raped me is getting out of jail after only serving 9 months. The emotions that I thought were finally gone have rushed right back. I am once again daily dealing with the same battles that I dealt with before. I discovered several things tonight while sitting in bible study. #1, I realized how easy it was to turn back to my eating disorder. Not even intentionally, it's just a habit. I did it for so long that I don't even have to think about it, it just happens. So while sitting in bible study talking with the other girls, I realized it was after 8pm and I hadn't eaten yet at all today. Once I realized that, I ate as soon as I came home. Believe me, I've seen the damage that an ED causes and I don't want to go down that path again. #2, I realized that I'm still angry. I'm so angry and bitter right now. I want my revenge, my justice for what he put me through. He doesn't deserve to have a life outside of those walls. He's kept me inside a dark and lonely place for 3 years now and I'll never get out of this room if he gets out of prison. It's not fair. I'm trying to remember that it's up to God to have His revenge and justice not me. That's so hard though. And lastly #3, I realized that I want to run. Everything in me is screaming "RUN!!!" I AM running. I have a trip planned this weekend, using the excuse to go visit a friend that's away at medical school and to take a weekend off of work (I get one weekend off per quarter, so 4 weekends a year). But God really spoke to me tonight and told me to quit running, to give it to Him and let Him handle it. I don't know why that's so hard.

Frozen in Time

Frozen in a time
and place that was almost forgotten
Thought the pain was gone
'til yesterday
Don't know where to go
don't know what to do
Somehow...someway
this crazy world will make sense
Memories
haunt my memory and soul
Yet I strive to move on
Where do I go
counseling only helps in the moment
Frozen in this picture
wanting...needing to escape
This pain just keeps echoing
across time and space
Frozen in this moment
in this picture for what seems like eternity
Frozen

What the Eating Disorder Struggle is really like

So this is an amazing friend of mine that really helped me through the rough spots of my eating disorder and is the one who finally convinced me to see a therapist to work on my issues. Barbara is an amazing motivational speaker and this is a video of her struggle, which is much like my own, and she puts it into way better words than I ever could at this point. Ok enough of me, just watch the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apO9IxmqfpQ

An old poem

It was a cold November night just on my way home
But I didn’t make it home on time
Wished I never walked alone
Wish I was never put through such a crime
I never saw it coming
As I walked sudden hands grabbed me
A cold blade pressed against my throat as I tried to scream
And in my head I knew my fate and began to see
This wasn’t suppose to happen I was only seventeen
I never saw it coming
My body being dragged one way when I desired another
I began to panic and tried to fight
As he pinned me to the ground and my throat he did smother
He beat me till I stopped the struggle
And I was conquered by his might
I never saw it coming
No one could help me now
I was left all to his will and so he took all I had
He should’ve just killed me then
I wouldn’t be so sad
I never saw it coming
He stole my soul and my pride took all that I held dear
After it was over I felt all I had died and this man gave me this fear
And I never saw it coming
The blood spilled as he tore from me my innocence and left me my reputation stained
Even though I fought it all in resistance
I hate for all he gained
I never saw it coming

~October 10, 2006

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28


So, I began to think about this verse and really, to have rest and to have our minds and spirits renewed and refreshed, we first have to go to Jesus with it all. Well that seems pretty simple. Almost common sense right? But really, looking at my own life, up until the last few months I didn't make any time for God outside of church and related activities. Even now, I find myself asking if I'm making enough time for God. Does my schedule, my time, my life look like that of a person who wants to hear God's voice? And honestly, the answer is no. My life and especially my relationship with God are still revolving around a very busy schedule. Not that being busy is a completely bad thing because I believe that God has me doing all the things on my schedule for a reason. I just think that God wants me to make time for Him in everything I do so I don't miss out on all the little, subtle, and amazing things that He does every day!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-7

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. " -Ecclesiastes 3:1-7

So it's been awhile since I've really sat down and pulled a scripture and really dug into it. This one popped out at me tonight. I realized that the scripture is telling me that there is a time for everything. God has it all planned out. There will be times of brokenness, happiness, harvest and even healing. There will be a time to cry, to heal old wounds, and times to wait. God has his ultimate and perfect timing. Maybe that's why he is just now putting this blog on my heart, several years after this all happened. There were many times during all this when God felt soooo distant to me, but I know that it was just for a time, and actually, He was there the whole time. Then there were other times when He felt so very close. Looking back now, I can see these seasons throughout my life and I can see now that God really was there through all the tough times.

My Story

So God has really been working on me for several months (well almost a year) now about sharing my past. I've always kept it a big secret for various reasons. Mainly I'm afraid. Afraid of being vulnerable, of exposing the pain, of not being accepted when people learn where I've come from, but ultimately none of that matters. I've been told that this is what I need to share about my past and I'm going to do it because I know God is going to use it in some amazing way that I can't even imagine. So here it goes...

I was born on May 24, 1988 and within the year, my parents were divorced. By the time I turned 3, my mother had left, moved 3 thousand miles away, to Massachusetts and we (my older sister and I) were lucky if she remembered to send us a birthday card each year. I grew up with many questions of why she left, what I had done to make her leave, and why she didn't love us enough to stay. Living with my father was fine at first. When I was 8, he remarried and it was around that time that he began to physically abuse my sister and I. My stepmother often tried to step in when it first started but after he began abusing her, she just stayed out of it. I would go to school with long pants and long sleeves year round, just wishing that someone would notice or care enough to step in but no one ever did.

I spent every spare minute I had trying to find a way to please my father. I worked for the best grades I could get. I began working full time jobs as soon as I was old enough to work and I attended college at night during my senior year of high school. It was during that time that my life forever changed. There came a night that I was attacked and raped by a man that I trusted. A man that offered to help me with some things. I was naive I didn't know better. I never saw it coming. I told my family and they didn't believe me. That night sent my life into a spinning black hole. I began cutting myself, I struggled with an eating disorder, and I was severely depressed. I just didn't know how to cope with it all. I wanted to give up and believe me, the thoughts crossed my mind but I was too scared to do it.

And by the grace of God, there was 1 person that believed me when I called. I hadn't spoke to Aprill in months but when I called her, she was there and she just listened and she never judged me for it. She also got me connected at her church and I remember the first time I walked in, Kathy Crispin walked up to me and introduced herself and she knew my name before I ever told her and she made me feel like I was at home and I never left. I've met so many friends there but I still chose to keep all this to myself and pretend that I've had this perfect life and that's the worst thing you can do. It will eat you alive I promise.

So I don't know what the purpose of this really is. All I know is that God told me to share it. And I hope I can use this blog to stay open and vulnerable during this journey and not to keep any more secrets. Going through some of this stuff can be so dark and scary and alone and I'll post some of my journal writings from that time to show you how dark it got. I just hope that God is going to use this to touch somebody's life. Anybody's... You really aren't alone.